Convenient Friends and Why They Hurt

Why it Hurts to Realize Someone is just a ‘Convenient Friend’

I know we all have them. Those “friends” that are only friends when it is convenient. The ones that you think you are friends with, but find out that’s not really the case. Sometimes this is a person who you tend to invite to many things, but they don’t invite you back. Or they talk about doing things together, but then never call you when it’s time to do that. Or the friend who only calls you when they need something from you, but that’s it.

I’ve had quite a few convenient friends in my life. And it hurts when I realize that’s all I am to them. For me, it tends to be people that I think are good friends. I think we have a real friendship going. I invite them to many things and often. But it isn’t reciprocated. I end up being the one who feels left out. It’s made me insecure when I meet new people. I trust too easily and trust that people I meet will be good friends. Then it happens, I start getting skipped on invites to places more and more often. I don’t know what I do. I don’t know why this happens. But it hurts. It hurts to realize that people you would consider a good friend only think of you as “so-and-so’s friend” or just “my neighbor”.

Maybe I try to hard? Maybe not enough? I feel like I have pretty good kids, so I don’t think that’s the problem. Then again, a friendship shouldn’t be about having to try, it should be easy, you shouldn’t have to think about it. So maybe that’s what needs to be the judge of a “good friend”, someone you don’t feel like it’s work to be friends with them. I’ve had those friends too, the ones that the friendship always feels like work. At that point, it isn’t fun anymore.

I have a few friends who I know are my true friends. The ones that have been there for me since I have met them and the ones I know always will be there. Some of these friends I have known my entire life, some of them I’ve met recently. But they are the ones I know will stick around. The ones who won’t leave me out. The ones I can call when I need to laugh or to cry and they will listen to it all.

Yes, it was much easier when we were in high school and our biggest worry was about that big test coming up, or paper/project that was due next week, and of course things like when the next football game is or if your crush will ask you to the dance. I had a lot more friends in high school. But that was 10 years ago now. We’ve all moved on. Some of us have physically moved out of town, out of state, across the country. Our lives are all very different now. I am married and have two children, some people I know are still single and loving it. Those days were easy to make friends.

As a stay-at-home mom, it is much harder now to make friends. I don’t go out very often. We don’t have an opportunity to meet people. Don’t get me wrong, I love staying home with my boys, but I would also love some adult interaction sometimes. There are days I am jealous that my husband gets to go to work. Yes, he misses out on some of the funny and lovely moments with the boys, but he gets to talk to adults about real things, not a toddler who argues with you on whether we should watch Daniel Tiger or Dinotrux!

If you find a great friend, maybe find your mom BFF, I hope it sticks. I hope you don’t just become the convenient friend. I haven’t found my mom BFF yet, and maybe once my boys are in school I will. Then again, once they are in school I will probably try to start working part-time again and will have real adult conversation back.

8 thoughts on “Why it Hurts to Realize Someone is just a ‘Convenient Friend’”

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  2. i see this post is almost a year old. i hope since then you’ve found your mommy-bff. one of the closest people right now in my life is my daughter’s best friend’s mom… so far it’s sticking and im grateful because the values we share are so much more meaningful than long-term “convenient” friends. making friends as a grown up is hard, as a sahm mom sooooo much harder. but once found, its is a gem. xoxo

    1. Thanks! I haven’t quite found that person yet. If we lived near my sister I would probably be with her a lot, her boys are the same age as mine. As you said too, it’s so hard to make friends as a SAHM. My oldest starts kindergarten in about a year and a half so I’m hoping maybe that will be a way to meet other moms if I don’t before then. His preschool class seems to change too often right now.

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  4. I was in a bad relationship. I ended up getting stitches in my forehead and put my boyfriend in jail. This person I know from work. Treated me very kind. I kind of got used to hanging out with him. I left some girls move in my home.and then next thing, I know he was doing things for them and hanging out with them and not me nowhere near as much. I felt so left out. Didn’t seem like games are not moved out. He still did not hang out with me much. I should have had my eyes open man, but as I said, I just got out of a bad relationship and he was there for me. Long story short, both girls ended up going to jail, one of them had stole from me. And lied to me. The girls were together as a couple and one of them cheated on the other with him. We were not boyfriend and girlfriend in any relationship like that but he was becoming my friend my feelings got hurt but I thought to keep that friendship he loaned me his truck when he took a week’s vacation after the girls went to jail he spent lots of time with me took me camping we work together then he ended up getting another job but we still spent a lot of time together hanging up we were friends with benefits but I’m not ready for a relationship and I wasn’t back then either and I’m still not now the Friends with Benefits we’re working for me I got three used to him being around he was always welcome at my other BFFs he was always welcome to around come around joining whatever we were doing I’ve never ever made him feel left out neither has any of my other BFFs well here it is 3 years later and I go over and try to make plans with him you know about me coming over cooking food as I don’t cook for myself this way I will eat decent in other words didn’t change anything just because we were no longer working together then he suddenly starts not hanging around me texting got very little like a couple of words if any and that kept going on for about almost two months two and a half couldn’t understand why I was upset in my feelings were hurt because it’s put on the back burner find out come to find out he was hanging out with the girl that actually stole from me she’s done a few other things and she is not a very good person at all definitely not trustworthy she likes to get high and use people I’m in the process he meant these other women start to put me on the back burner again and he’s trying to tell me it’s in my head I make plans to go over there he knows this and then suddenly something comes up and then he’s giving them right cancels me and it happens more often than not to the point that I text him cousins before she needs to stop now I’m too old for it and to please stop the bullshit now and I clarified myself and said the bullshit the games whatever you want to call it please make it stop now evidently he understood because he said he was sorry for everything and he would work on it but no promises cuz he didn’t want to break them this is after I helped one of the females I just talked about that he’s been putting me on the back burner over she sent me a nasty text I didn’t want to help her out but because of him being her friend I did that’s when I sent him the text and the next day we have a big blowout because I thought he was making another excuse as I needed a ride to the doctor and he told me he had to take her somewhere first the other girls first and she just got out of jail is it being put on the back burner here recently as I have been I kind of went overboard and got upset when normally I wouldn’t have if this prior stuff hadn’t been going on I considered him more than my BFF and I am somebody that if I see something that they might like I will buy it for them you know I’ll do anything for me I’m always thinking about my BFFS as with him, I had 5. The other 4 are females and they are in relationships so they are not able to hang with me like he was able to. Realized it and open my eyes when the first incident happened, as it was pretty much the same as a year of recently, but he allowed me to allow him in my heart. Which I don’t allow people usually to get as deep as my BFFS
    As I have been hurt too many times by people that call themselves my friends. I am a very trusting, giving loyal person. I am honest. Actually, people tell me I’m too honest. But at the same time, as of right now, it’s killing me knowing. He doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do because of his actions. I think he just doesn’t care because I told him. I would never treat him the way he does me when it comes to leaving friends out, as you’re not supposed to do that, it’s not right. He says, that’s not what he’s doing, but it’s exactly what’s going on. Makes excuses, and doesn’t spend this much time with me and he knows it hurts me. So, yes, I do know he’s never been a true friend. I just been a good friend of convenience for him, as he’s never had to pay for me as I always pay my way, and there’s been many times I’ve given him money for gas, whatever. He needed, and many times I didn’t make him pay me back. It was a 5050 of me, making him pay me back and not, there was even a time when I didn’t even have a job and I ended up loaning him money. And he has a good paying job, but yeah, he quit doing the small little things that he used to do for me, like, maybe bring me a donut once in awhile, just little things like that. Thank you for listening. As I’m just very hurt right now. As this has been a friendship for 3 years now or close to it, and that’s considered him one of my 5 bffs

    1. Oh wow, I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s so tough when that realization hits. I’ve had people I thought were my friends for years only to realize that wasn’t the case. When you find your true friends, you’ll know. Relationships aren’t always 50/50, sometimes you need them more and other times they need you. But it should still be a good split and never make you feel like you are giving it everything.

  5. I came across this article by searching what it says about me if I have convenient friends. But in my mind, a convenient friend was someone I am friends with solely because I see them everyday so I’m speaking from the opposite spectrum here. I have a friend who I have had all my classes with since our first year in college. From the first few weeks I knew her I could tell she considered me a friend very quickly whereas I only acknowledged her as an acquaintance. As time went on, she invited me to hang out with her multiple times but I mostly never wanted to because I didn’t really feel any connection with her. the only thing we had in common was that we had the same classes. and the few times I did hang out with her, she would only talk about school and what we were to study.
    I felt bad declining her many invitations so I would force myself to hang out with her. But I wouldn’t feel like inviting her to my hangouts as much because I genuinely enjoyed the company of my other friends so much more. my point here is, it is really hard to avoid such types of people. I always try and maintain a polite attitude with her and we talk a lot about school which is something she loves to discuss. For me its good enough during the time I have to be with her but after class, inviting her to hangout results in conversations that are to bluntly put it- boring. I tell her about things I like and issues I find intriguing but she has no input on those things because they are not in  her interests. So I just listen to the things she speaks of. I have a lot more common with my other friends, we are passionate about similar things and that is the criteria for friendship for me: to find humor and interest in their thoughts and actions. I know having convinent friends is so so hurtful but just know that we on the opposite end don’t know how to tell you that for us friendship is a lot different.

  6. There are a couple of friends who are truly there for me. Some have ended the friendship and there are ones that contact me when they need something
    I’m a sahm and it is really hard to have that special person who gets you. Many don’t understand me so it’s tough. I totally relate to this article.

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